A Year of Becoming More
Hello beautiful people who are so kind as to stop by and read my rambles, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2018 was truly the most rewarding year of my life yet. I GOT MARRIED! No further explanation needed.
I know that I have been absent from here for quite a while (eight months to be exact). When I decided to start this blog, I was so excited and I felt so strongly about making it an honest, vulnerable and safe space to open up about my life (lol the internet isn't a safe space). I believed that I had a lot of experiences and insight to offer, and that a lot of readers could relate to those things. I still feel that way. But what I didn’t realize at the time, was how much work a blog is. I mean… A LOT OF WORK.
Creating the content, the part that I really loved and found therapeutic, was not as doable as I initially thought. I was having trouble finding the time to write, and then I actually started having trouble thinking of what exactly I wanted to write about. I started to second guess myself, and I was worried that people wouldn’t find my content interesting or relatable. I started to worry that I was wasting my time writing things that no one would read. I was afraid that I was doing all of this for the wrong reasons.
2018 was a hard year for me. Although my husband (then, fiancée) finally came home from the hospital, we were not yet out of the woods. I was ecstatic for him to be home. He went back to work, and things began to feel normal again. Until they didn’t. Going to work became harder for him, suicidal thoughts started to resurface, and nothing felt stable. There were some close calls and he almost went back to an inpatient setting. We decided together that whatever we were doing wasn’t working, but that going back to the hospital didn’t necessary feel right either (I want to point out that I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with being admitted… it literally saved his life the first time. It just wasn’t the best next step for him at that time).
He wanted to find an intensive outpatient program that would allow him to regain control of his life and learn to effectively manage his diagnosis while integrating back into society. This was not as easy as it may sound. There were very few applicable programs nearby (thankfully we lived in NYC at the time or we would have really been in trouble), almost nothing took our insurance (or any insurance for that matter), the times that most programs were offered would have made it impossible for him to hold a job at the same time, and the ones that did take insurance were still outrageously expensive. We started to feel so hopeless, emotionally and physically drained, and quite frankly, I felt more scared than ever before.
But after a lot of hard work (and months of crying, searching, crying, making calls, crying, and as weird as it feels to admit…. some occasional praying) by the both of us, we finally found an outpatient program that accepted our insurance and was actually perfectly geared toward what he was experiencing. Still way more expensive than we were prepared to handle, but we didn’t have many options.
Jess went through six months of weekly individual therapy and group therapy five days a week. All while working full time as a nurse (I’ll save my amazement/pride in him for another post. But seriously… can you believe that?) Just a few weeks before he graduated from his outpatient program, we got married. Never have I experienced such a difficult, scary, and rewarding period of time in my life.
Just when you thought things were done… nope! THEN WE MOVED. Only two months after our wedding. I think this goes without saying, but our bank accounts were pretty much SHOT at this point. We had some bittersweet feelings about this move. We were planning it for a while, and we were thrilled to move back to the place we began our relationship and where so many of our close friends live. But we were also sad to leave the many friends we made in New York, and to move away from Jess’ family. We have been here for three months now though, and things have been really positive. I think it was the fresh start that our lives needed at the time.
Needless to say, I’ve been a bit preoccupied and unfortunately, the thing that I originally thought was going to bring me stress relief (this blog) was actually giving me even more stress and anxiety. But once my life began to settle down, I started to do some self-reflection and get back into my own therapy routine. I’ve learned so much about myself, my relationships, my life and where I want to go. With all of these changes and events in my life recently, I finally feel like I have the time and mental space/energy to get back into my blog. Plus what better time to start again than the new year! I decided to share a small resolution with you each month that I have committed to. I have too many goals to do one resolution, so why not 12? I shared my list below, and I can’t wait to start. I’ll be posting my thoughts, feelings and progress (or perhaps, lack thereof) on each goal as the year goes by.
I’m so happy to be back to writing and bettering myself and my life, and I chose this blog as a way to open up about my journey, as well as a way to keep me honest, accountable and vulnerable. I hope that some of the words I share resonate with some of you, and hopefully I hear about some of your goals as well.
Xo Mercedes (literally forever in the making🙄)